I feel a little lost lately. I’m still looking for a cause to devote myself to. It’s not like there aren’t enough options; the list of interests I have is endless, but I have little structure in my life to see anything come to fruition. I’m living in a motorhome right now as a step towards taking control of my life and finding a place to call home. At one time, I planned on buying rural property to build an off-grid, naturally constructed where I could free my time to focus on whatever the hell I wished to pursue. However, those plans changed when we realized that the rural environment we grew in wasn’t fulfilling enough, other than close friends and family. We wanted something more, and like so many folks have been doing, we moved to Portland.
Our decision to move 2,700 miles across the country and settle in a small city has been positive overall. With my lack of formal education, I have slipped into yet another dead end job in an industry I despise, and with coworkers that, to put it mildly, don’t resonate with me. This, I must change. Even a lower paying job where I can contribute to a cause I deem worthy, would be a positive change, but alas I have not made such a move as of yet. So much of my time is lost to renting my labor, and it seems the remainder is spent stressing fretting over the tyranny and unscrupulous practices of society at large.
I have found hope though. Hope in the form of the smiling faces and positive demeanor of fellow Portlanders. True, it is less common here in Milwaukie, Clackamas County, but I vow to return to the city where a vibe of intentional change is almost palpable. Expressive people strut down city sidewalks in an environment which breathes calmness and acceptance. I enjoyed my time in the Richmond neighborhood and I desire a return to a close-in neighborhood, but with a more active role in my community. I seek community, a place to call home where I can invest my time positively in constructing a home, and helping others do the same. Many of the technologies that have interested me over the years, as well as the ones I have dreamed up, but never built, I have been unable to implement due to the temporary nature of rental apartments and homes. I am ready to build– to stay.
I could return home where land is cheaper and my friends and family are, but the culture and opportunities there are lacking, and I am sure I would regret the move. I truly believe that cities must become the hub of sustainability and innovation where the majority of the population must live in order to give the wild areas the chance to recover. As far as cities go, Portland has a lot of advantages. Water is abundant here, and will likely remain so for the forseeable future. The summers can be hot, but bearable, and the winters are pretty mild. The growing season here is long, and wild places are locked up in State and Federal Parks all around the area. In addition to the geographic pros, there is again the culture of optimism and a general political attitude pushing towards social democracy, to the dismay of the surrounding conservatives.
There is much in the world to see, yes, and I hope to travel, but I feel it is my duty to myself and my wife settle down and develop personally. I have a lot of ideas, some of which might be worth a damn, and I won’t be able to influence others until I stop living so temporarily, always renting and “working for the man”.
The steps I can take now include the development of relationships with other people seeking a community lifestyle in the city, finding a cheaper place to park our motorhome which is preferably closer to the city, pushing myself to improve and advance the development of our home despite my lackluster attitude cultured from my job, and of course, find a new damned job!
These things will not occur simply because I wish them to, they will only culminate through determination and resolve.